That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
