recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
