After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
