i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
