I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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