apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
