Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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