I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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