I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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