I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
