I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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