I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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