walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
