Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
