at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
