Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
FUCK WHALES
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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