I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
you had me at cake vodka
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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