3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
