When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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