Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
