Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
