so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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