I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
