dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
