Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
