you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
