DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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