my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
