for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
