Moan for me like Helen Keller
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
