its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
