What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
