I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dicks are not precious.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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