Cold hands, warm shart.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
