Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
