Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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