You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
