Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
