One girl and one boy is just not enough.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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