ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
