cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
