It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
