And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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