I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
