omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
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