Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Two words: blizzard sex
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
