When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
