Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Randomize
