i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
