dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
