im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
