someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In America we eat man semen.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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