y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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