so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
