Who wears a wallet chain?!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
