Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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