My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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