Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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