Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
