Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
