Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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