So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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