3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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