i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
