I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
