I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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