mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
honey bunches of taint.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
